October 2022

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What the Sunlight Can Overshadow

I’ve been thinking about San Diego identity lately. This topic crept into my conversation during the interview for the cover story with Tonya Mantooth. It didn’t fit in the scope of that article, so let’s look.

Tonya Mantooth said, “We live in San Diego and we are the nexus of biotech, biomedical and research and this is a story that we know because we live in San Diego, but it’s a story that isn’t being told and maybe film can help tell those stories. Those untold stories of the impact of the research and the development that’s happening in San Diego is changing lives around the world. And so the first step we took was partnering with an organization called Curebound and they raise money for cancer research and they’ve done tremendous work and I brought a film in “Of Medicine and Miracles” which speaks to the importance of why philanthropists need to support the research funding and all of the clinical trails along the way; and the film tells that story. This partnership with Curebound is really the first step in what I hope is a much bigger movement to really bring that whole community with film to tell a bigger story about San Diego.”

This makes a lot of sense to me. When many people think of San Diego, the perception is limited to beaches, weather, Comic Con and that’s the end of the story. Part of the project of the magazine is to assert that San Diego also has a thriving arts and theater community. It is to try to loudly proclaim something that is regarded as a secret.

And in addition to the beaches and the arts community, there is also a lot of biotech, research, software engineering and a large military pres ence. There are all these elements existing in our city but it goes largely unnoticed to the rest of the country. Perhaps our marketing is off. When you think L.A., you think film industry; when you think San Francisco, you think tech. San Diego doesn’t have the same unified identity at large.

I say to the rest of the country, but I don’t think these areas are universally known to residents either. You could make the argument that the large swaths of people in flux of moving in and out of the city won’t have the most nuanced awareness of the city at large, but I don’t think that’s the whole story. Our mayor Todd Gloria has remarked on the idea that San Diego is a large city that doesn’t act or appear to be one and I wonder if that feeling will change and if so, how long will it take for that change to be seen?

There is merit, I suppose, in keeping the secret to ourselves. When you love something, you don’t want it to change too much that it changes what you love about it. On the other hand, you want to see the things you love get the attention and support they deserve.

The film festival is one case of how a community event can move the needle in our perceptions and what conversations take place. A

The Scene

Federation 360

Hundreds of San Diego Jewish Community members came together on Sept. 11 for Federation 360, a new event from Jewish Federation of San Diego County that brought to life the impact of Federation on the community. Dynamic and interactive exhibits showcased Federation’s work building a vibrant, caring, connected and enduring Jewish community by fostering Jewish identity, connecting San Diego to Israel and caring for Jews in need.

“People were craving the chance to come together and to be in community with each other,” says Heidi Gantwerk, Federation’s CEO. “We had much to celebrate thanks to the incredible commitment of so many people and partners over the last year.”

Gantwerk highlighted the partnership with the Jewish Community Foundation and the Leichtag Foundation to provide COVID relief to support thousands of people and institutions. She also noted that Federation’s annual campaign exceeded its goal and that Federation

is allocating the surplus to its new Community Security Initiative, with a goal of investing $1.2 million in security over the next three years.

This builds on Federation’s recent efforts to help local Jewish institutions enhance their security by ensuring they could access federal and state grants designated for faith-based nonprofit organizations. Federation also touted its new LiveSecure program that will provide new grants to community organizations and increase practices that lead to a stronger and more resilient community.

Security was just one area of focus of Fed360, chaired by Sarah Shehkter, Carla Modiano and Jeff Schindler, designed to immerse the audience in Federation’s work in numerous areas.

Chair Sarah Shehkter highlighted how Federation jumped into action when the war in Ukraine started. Federation gathered over 800 lbs of donated clothing, toys and other goods from the local Jewish community and shipped it to those in need. This was in addition to the more

than $650K Federation raised locally to support Jewish refugees leaving Ukraine and those who stayed behind.

The co-chairs detailed Federation’s work with local partners to help thousands of Jews experiencing poverty. Through partnerships with other nonprofits, individuals in need receive critically important support and resources. Federation, for example, has secured hundreds of thousands of dollars for Holocaust survivors through a partnership with the Kavod Foundation. And Federation is working to create a caring community by convening JFS, Kindness Initiative, Hebrew Free Loan, Seacrest and JCF in developing an efficient and effective communal approach to raising awareness and increasing resources available to San Diego Jews experiencing financial distress.

Audience members also heard from Karen Parry, Executive Director of Hillel of San Diego, highlighting their efforts to connect college students to Israel and Israelis. Parry commented, “Through the Gesher Program,

Federation invested in our community by deepening relationships with our sister city and provided all of us with the opportunities to truly build a richer connection to Israel through the people. As a highlight, I am excited to share that Hillel of San Diego will be sending students to intern in Sha’ar HaNegev this summer… We now have a partnership with Federation for our Israel Fellows to partner with our community’s shinshinim and create even more connections among these young Israel ambassadors and their peers.”

Lisa Motenkno, Associate Director of Hillel of San Diego, was recognized and celebrated as the first winner of the Michael Jeser Outstanding Professional Award.

As the evening concluded, Gantwerk looked ahead to the major Jewish community study. “We are both proud and privileged to do this collaboratively with so many other great organizations. Together we shape a bright future here in San Diego, helping those in need and strengthening our community.”

Museum of Contemporary Art Gala

The newly expanded Museum of Contemporary Art in La Jolla showed off its stunning home during a “reimagined” benefit gala recently. The elegant event kicked off with a cocktail hour, where supporters sampled delicious hors d’oeuvres and exotic drinks. They admired art by Alexis Smith during the social hour and delighted at the artist’s first retrospective in 30 years. It was a fitting beginning for an evening brimming over with immersive dining and entertainment.

Later, guests were ushered into the elaborately decorated rotunda for a sit-down dinner. The usual alfresco dining area had to be scrapped, due to possible rain showers. However, that

didn’t interfere with the celebration. Dancing was on the menu as well and co-chairs Dagmar Smek and Marcos Ramirez ERRE earned kudos for themselves and their hard-working committee for the successful event.

The evening moved into high gear when dinner was over. Supporters let their hair down and partied up a storm at the after party, which featured luscious desserts and even more reveling. Among the many ardent supporters at this year’s gala were Joan and Irwin Jacobs, Iris and Matthew Strauss, Phyllis Epstein, Larry and Tammy Hershfield, Mike and Marilyn Rosen, Lisa and Steve Altman and Richard and Liz Bartell.

Our Town

Attending the 13th Annual Jerusalem-San Diego Zoo Exchange Luncheon in August was a joyful experience for all those in attendance. The event highlighted the career of former Congresswoman Susan Davis and her support through the years for exchange students from Jerusalem and San Diego. Some of those in attendance for this special occasion were, Mayor Todd Gloria, Congresswoman Sara Jacobs, Judge Victor Bianchini, Kara Kobey, Brad Bunshaft, Sky Masori, Karen & Jack Milstein, Steven Davis, Maggie Meyer, Charlotte Rand, Betsy Baranov, Pamela Nathan, Nikka Frank, Marion Rieger, Louis Galper, Alana Ziman (with Sydney and Emma) and Barbara Hoffer & Len Hirsch

American Friends of Magen David Adom recently held a private gathering to converse on Israel’s national security challenges. Coordinated by Elana Michael, Senior Development Executive – Southwest RegionAmerican Friends of Magen David Adom, the reception was dedicated to the memory of Marla Ann Bennett A few of the folks we ran into were, Norman Needel, Iris Pearlman, Wendy & Chaim Avraham, Eric Koster, Mark Strauss, David & Claire Ellman, Lolie Fromm, Ellen Rofman, Elena Shekhter, Alan Clark, Karen Fox, Clive Walden, Roz & Jim Allina and Mimi & Phil Alpert.

Mazel Tov to Cindy & Larry Bloch, on the birth of their first Grandchild, Samuel Herbert Bloch, born on Apr. 13 in Los Angeles. Happy parents are Lauren & Matthew Bloch of Brentwood.

Mazel Tov to Anne & Joel (z”l) Nagorner, on the birth of their first Grandchild, Jolene Silvie Nagorner, born on Mar. 16 in Redondo Beach. Named in memory of her late grandfather, Joel, happy parents are Rosie & Evan

Nagorner. Jolene is the great grandchild of Lee & Frank (z”l) Goldberg

Mazel Tov to Suzi & Bernie Feldman on the birth of their first grandchild, Misha Frank Faktor Feldman, born on June 11 in San Diego. Parents are Pauli & David Faktor Feldman. Misha is the Great Grandson of Alice (z”l) & Zane Feldman and Lee & Frank (z”l) Goldberg

Mazel Tov to Julie & Howard Haimsohn on the marriage of their son, Joel & Lexi Haimsohn, at Loews Coronado on July 9.

Yom Huledets Sameach to...

Sabina Fromm celebrating her 98th birthday. Lois Richmond celebrating her 95th birthday. Lorraine Zuckerman celebrating her 91st birthday. Bob Berton celebrating his 85th birthday. Joyce Camiel celebrating her 81st birthday

CELEBRATING

Wedding Anniversaries

with infinite love & happiness, Mazel Tov to...

Irma & Gilbert Greenspan, 70 years. Deborah & Isaac Begar, 69 years. Sheree & Mayo Stiegler, 69 years Marilyn & Thomas Lieb Schutz, 62 years. Marge & Sanford Schane, 62 years. Simma & Paul Nemeth, 61 years.

Susan & Jerome Pollock, 60 years.

Joy & Jeff Kirsch, 60 years.

Helaine & Robert Baum, 59 years.

Jane & Herbert Lazerow, 59 years.

Rita & Harold Bloch, 57 years.

Gail & Daniel Zides, 57 years.

Marjorie & Michael Rubin, 57 years.

Marsha & Al Korobin, 57 years.

Linda & Louis Levy, 56 years.

Gail & Mark Braverman, 55 years.

Hollis & Alan Litrownik, 55 years.

Carole & Michael Schatz, 55 years.

Bonnie & Barry Graff, 54 years.

Anita & Rabbi Marty Lawson, 54 years.

Stephanie & Michael Heinzman, 54 years.

Nelly & Paul Dean, 53 years.

Erica & Joel Berick, 53 years.

Pnina & Bar-Gioar Goldberg, 52 years.

Linda & Jerry Goldberg, 51 years.

Linda & Gary Keslik, 51 years.

Judy & Jack Morganstern, 50 years.

Hours after Ukraine was peppered with missile strikes in the opening salvo of the Russian invasion Feb. 24, Russian paratroopers made a brazen attempt to capture a nearby airfield in the western Kyiv suburb of Hostomel. The Russians were initially beaten back but they occupied the town in early March.

Zhanetta Butenko is one of the 100 or so Jews that lived in Hostomel and the nearby towns of Irpin and Bucha, both of which were the sites of bitter fighting as Russian troops tried to punch their way down from Belarus towards the Ukrainian capital.

The Federation of Jewish Communities of Ukraine, a group linked to the Chabad-Lubavitch movement that is Ukraine’s largest Jewish umbrella network, has been

supporting Jews around Kyiv through monthly deliveries of food and supplies since the Russians completed a humiliating withdrawal from northern Ukraine in April.

Ken Burns’ PBS documentary ‘The U.S. And The Holocaust’ asks hard questions about how Americans treated Jews and immigrants during wartime

It would be difficult to debate what Steven Spielberg’s “most Jewish” film has been, after a career with highlights such as “Schindler’s List” and “Munich.” But it’s now clear what the famed director’s most personal film is.

On Saturday night, Spielberg introduced “The Fabelmans,” his upcoming semi-autobiographical movie about his Jewish upbringing and his formative early years as an aspiring filmmaker, at a post-screening Q&A at the Toronto International Film Festival, where its debut earned a two-minute standing ovation and subsequent Oscar buzz in early critic reviews. Spielberg made no attempt to disguise the fact that the story is based on his life.

“I like very much the sort of easy way that Jewishness lives in this movie. It’s a very profound part of Steven’s identity, and of the Fablemans’ identity,” Kushner said at the talk. “But it’s a movie that’s about Jewish people, rather than entirely or exclusively about Jewishness or antisemitism or something.”

In 2015, the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum reached out to Ken Burns with a request: Would he consider making a film about America during the Holocaust?

The project took seven years to complete.

Produced in partnership with the USC Shoah Foundation and drawing on the latest research about the time period, the resulting six-hour series explores the events of the Holocaust in granular detail. But it also chronicles the xenophobic and antisemitic climate in America in the years leading up to the Nazi genocide of Europe’s Jews: a nation largely hostile to any kind of refugee, particularly Jewish ones, and reluctant to intervene in a war on their behalf.

Continue reading these articles at sdjewishjournal.com

‘The Jews have arrived’: In Bucha and other decimated towns near Kyiv, a Jewish group distributes sorely-needed supplies

At ‘The Fabelmans’ premiere, Steven Spielberg discusses how his Jewish identity is portrayed in the autobiographical film

THE FUTURE OF HEALTH CARE

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LIVING ON THE FRONT PAGE

The Challenge of Forgiveness

It was a sit up and gasp moment. Another reverie that felt so familiar; the players known, the place familiar but strange at the same time. Misnamed streets and apartments I’d never been to but intimately recognized in my dream state. But still. What are these tears? The shame? A gaping wound of unresolved issues, thoughts, sentiments, stilled only by the blare of a shrieking alarm clock.

Bless you, Clock.

Speaking with others, I discover that the above experience is not unique. So many of us have skeletons in the closet, personal moments we would love to revisit and redo, relationships we’d prefer to backspace and delete. Fact check: We can’t.

The concept of cognitive closure was first introduced in the early 1990s and became more famous than the Hula Hoop. No one could move past relationships, job disappointments, cravings or quirks without “closure.” So many opportunities were lost as the fallacy replaced action, optimism and the art of moving forward. This unattainable outcome makes people stop, compartmentalize (negative) feelings and, in this writer’s opinion, freeze and falter. This is not what we were designed to do.

Experiences — good, bad and ugly — are precious tools that, when assimilated, cause shifts to our psyches and alter our world view. Sometimes these shifts are subtle, sometimes seismic. But we are

designed — indeed built — to handle them. We are not as fragile as popculture would convince us. PTSD is real.

I live in Israel and know this. Israeli or not, many of us have endured astonishing losses that do not require enumeration. Financial. Physical. Dreams dashed.

Feelings are accurate. It is what we do with these sentiments that determine our overall spiritual health and reaction to subsequent life events. It is undoubtedly easier to offer words of regret and apology to a faceless G-d in Heaven than to a flesh-and-blood Earth buddy whom we have wronged. And herein lies the rub. Atonement is a dual process. Man is frequently less forgiving than G-d. Who wants to set themselves up for additional self-humiliation?

My husband recently listened to a pre-High Holy Days Torah lecture which posited that a baby comes into this world with one clearly defined personality. We see this time and again, how some are naturally clingier and timid and others seem nonplussed even in infancy. There is a lovely purity to newborns that will naturally, over time, become layered, sometimes jaded and leaden with the growing responsibilities that accompany life’s journey. C’est la vie. This is the pattern of life. Babies are born with fists clenched, grabbing at and grabbing onto what awaits them. The lecturer continued with the idea that by the time we leave this world, we are far more complex and riddled with assorted, messy personality traits that have taken up residence via a myriad of experiences

in our hopefully long lives. Our palms open in death, giving it up, leaving it all behind.

But what if, before the Day of Judgment, we could learn from the still uncomplicated children who learn in preschool how to make ‘shalom’, hug and giggle with the understanding that another hour in the playground with toddler friends trumps the brooding that accompanies a maliciously toppled tower of blocks or unfair distribution of oatmeal cookies? Children want to make-up and get on with perfecting friendships and amassing contentment. Even if they don’t have the vocabulary for such fulfilling work.

Our Holy Temple was destroyed by an insatiable quest for ‘right’. Empires have crumbled, reduced to archeological findings, due to the grudges held by mortal men. Men whom history calls “great” but we can now see that they were incapable of letting go and moving on. “Retribution” became history’s more admirable trait. In my historical rewrite, bitterness is not tantamount to strength. It is the poison that destroys progress.

THIS WAY TO EDEN

Pivot & Evolve

Geeta Nadkarni went from video producer to founder of her own media consulting business in 2014. She founded Baby Got Booked and taught fellow entrepreneurs how to share their messaging to draw serious media coverage. While her young business seemed to be thriving, she realized that her offering was missing something critical: mindset. She began to focus on coaches and consultants who didn’t just need superficial help with messaging but rather needed to see the value of their own offer and themselves. Geeta did well. She built a team of 14 staff and brought in $1.7 million dollars in sales in 2021.

That was the outside story anyway. The inner scoop was that she had a growing distaste for the desperation she was encountering from her clients. She also began to feel disconnected from her business — as though it wasn’t hers anymore. Most of all, her clients were paying her a pretty penny for her eight week course (five figures) to shape and scale their business, but she began to doubt if that’s what they actually wanted. Her focus went from helping clients to helping clients make back the money they paid her.

She wanted to stop, but she felt a sense of panic. Her husband worked for her, after all. Their business was their livelihood and they had two kids to feed. She agonized over the reaction from her team when she closed up shop and felt like a failure. After all, she had invested

her whole self into building something that was no longer meaningful for her.

Once she acknowledged her feelings, she asked herself: Now what? She reflected on who she was and what she wanted. She asked herself how she wanted to spend her days in this brave new world. The process of erasing her reality and rewriting a new script felt scary and exhilarating. Finally, it dawned on her: She wanted to write. She wanted to write meaningful books that millions of people loved to buy and share.

When I heard Geeta’s story and very recent pivot, I marveled. Shutting down her lucrative business to write sounds great but you can’t throw it in a crockpot and cook it for dinner! Geeta is only at the beginning of this new chapter but she is already on the path of reinvention and victory.

Here’s another story; this one is more local. Some of you may know of Rabbi Jeff Wohlgelernter, founding rabbi of Adat Yeshurun in La Jolla. I know him

well as I grew up around his family and saw first-hand how he devoted himself to building up the community. After 33 years, having built the shul into an established Jewish center and continually teaching to adults and at SCY high (the local orthodox Yeshiva high school for boys), he and his wife moved to Israel. I pictured Rabbi Wohglelernter on a hammock or perhaps a yacht, margarita or cigar in hand, finally enjoying his golden years. Well, maybe not that exactly, but at least he would have slowed down and enjoyed the pure quiet moments of retirement. But then I bumped into him during his recent visit to the States. He seemed to radiate joy and enthusiasm and just as I asked him if he’d picked up golfing, he filled me in on his recent endeavors.

Turns out, Rabbi Wohlgelernter was leading a congregation in a suburb near Jerusalem. Not only that, he was teaching at-risk teenage Anglo boys fresh out of high school. It was as though he had moved away from his life but his life had followed him! When I asked him about his new-old mission, Rabbi Wolgelernter explained to me that his life was totally reimagined. His core values stayed intact and the fundamental tenets of what energized and drove him remained, but he saw himself and this iteration of his life entirely differently. As such, he appeared purposeful, fulfilled, and extremely happy.

on next page >>

Our ability to wake up each day, willing to reimagine ourselves is a gift reserved for the courageous.

Personal Development continued

I was shaken in the best possible way. I strive to exercise the kind of courage that allows me to constantly evolve what’s possible for me, who I can be, and what I can create in this world. I saw Rabbi Wohlgelernter embodying his legacy and I began to turn the word “legacy” over and over in my own mind. We all have a legacy and it emerges from who we are in this world. Our very essence, our relationships with those we love and the intangibles that people miss when we’re absent. For me, my self-expression and what I accomplish is my legacy too. While I love my business, I wouldn’t want it to be my legacy. So, I asked my husband to take a walk with me and I told him about the project I wanted to work on — for legacy alone. I made a few phone calls to old clients and friends across the United States and started to loosely plan a tour where I would share powerful principles of

revealing our truest and highest selves as Jewish women. Unlike my business where my fees are an important part of client investment, I’m not charging a speaker’s fee. I feel more centered than ever (not to mention excited) knowing that I have a plan in place to address my desire to impact and support others in living their best lives possible.

Our ability to wake up each day, willing to reimagine ourselves is a gift reserved for the courageous. Sometimes we find ourselves more limited than we were or there are changing areas of our lives that we can’t control. Other times, we sense our own innate discomfort or bravely acknowledge that we need something new. No matter what your experience is, when you encounter a crossroads or autopilot or exploring possibilities, become curious. You’ve been invited to become a more deeply actualized version of yourself. A

Israeli Lifestyle continued

Forgiving does not always come naturally, especially when we have grown used to viewing it as an act of weakness. But imagine, if you are willing to risk such an exercise, that by forgiving, you discover freedom. The freedom to explore kindness and simplicity and even return to a humbler and more youthfully spiritual time when the world was not angry, dangerous and rife with judgment.

Forgiveness — beginning with oneself — is the purest form of expressing atonement for those sins committed either deliberately or without awareness. Lovingkindness starts with you, for you. The eventual impact on those we interact with and beyond, cannot be measured by human gauges.

Let’s do our own Holy thing and leave the rest to G-d.

G’mar chatimah tovah!  A

OUR EMOTIONAL FOOTPRINT

The Most Harmful of Four-Letter Words

We all know the meaning of the expression, “four-letter words,” don’t we? We know that these refer to a few short buzz-words which are immediately recognizable and are often seen or used as insulting, vulgar or even immoral.

These words can be used to express anger, frustration, emphasis, insult or humor and they often derive from sexual or excretory body parts, functions or activities. They are utilized in every culture and language, although they are known to easily transcend boundaries and borders.

In my opinion, none of the fourletter words you might consider as terrible holds a candle in its degree of repulsiveness to one other singular fourletter word: That particular word, my friends, is “Hate”!

Hate is the single word which represents humanity’s most calamitous weaknesses and refers to our most aggressive, regressive and selfdestructive tendencies and traits. These characteristics are encompassed in the word ”hate” or the “fear and loathing” which we can sometimes harbor and bear for our fellow human beings.

The objects of our hatreds are most often perceived as “others,” who are like Albert Camus’s “The Stranger,” unlike us, outsiders, different, inferior, disreputable, dispensable or dangerous.

The objects of our hatred can be those who are from different families or tribes; countries or nations; particular skin or racial colors, castes or characteristics; beliefs or philosophies; or just about any category of human traits.

Hate has been used as a rationale and impetus for the endless violent disputes between individuals and wars between groups of humans over the course of thousands of years of history. Hate generates a climate in society of tension, disrespect and conflict. It engenders mistrust, animosity, aggression and violence. Hate makes the targets of its expressions to feel isolated, fearful, vulnerable or vengeful.

It brings out the worst in us. It is in fact the combination and culmination of all those other reprehensible “dirty” four letter words, because it speaks to the depth of human repulsion and degradation.

Hate begets and engenders more hate. It is certainly destructive to those who are the victims of expressed hatred. It is also destructive to the hater, as medical studies have demonstrated that cardiovascular, gastrointestinal and psychological problems accrue to those filled with hate.

Tom Lehrer, the brilliant parody singer (and mathematician) lampooned the institution of a “National Brotherhood Week” when we are beset with so much hateful bias against each other. As Maya Angelou remarked, “Hate has caused a lot of problems in this world, but it has not solved one yet.”

We may fear the ominous signs of climate change, but it is the hate we feel towards others which may ultimately prove to be our undoing and is a threat to our very survival. Somehow, we must try to wrestle to the ground our human propensities to hate.

The opposite of zealous hate is not necessarily love. The biblical adage of “Love Thy Neighbor” is still taught as an important lesson, but that particular love is a metaphor for comity, mutual respect and Benevolence.

From the mouths of religious leaders and felons we can hear the same lessons: Martin Luther King famously said, “We must learn to live together as brothers and sisters, or perish together as fools,” and Rodney King, while being beaten by police, implored, “Can’t we all just get along?!”

Even after lamenting the hate we humans can feel towards others, I feel compelled to state with confidence that we humans are equally, if not more so, capable of demonstrating such moving traits such as empathy, tolerance, tenderness, respect and caring.

These are encompassed in the profound African Zulu word and concept, called, “Ubuntu.” This philosophy of humanity essentially means, “I am what I am because of who we all are.” It summons the humanistic principles, “We are all in this together,” and “We must help each other.” It refers to the best propensities of human beings, like love, truth, goodness and peace.

I end with a quote emanating from the humanity of Martin Luther King: “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” A

Federation is pleased to award each synagogue $10,000 to implement strategic security preparedness plans. Together, we ensure that the Jewish community has safe places for us all to gather.

POST-POLITICAL

Going Forward Unafraid: Notes on My Journey

As we bask in the light that was the Jewish High Holidays and Sukkos, it’s hard not to feel uplifted at the time of our celebration.

Perhaps as the holidays subside we might think we are returning to who we were before as if it was a forgone conclusion.

And just like the multitude of self growth suggestions that we have proposed over the past months’ articles, it might seem like you can make a few strides and then fall back. But that is part of our conditioning as well.

I recently had the opportunity to stretch myself. As a long time car enthusiast, I decided it was time to push the limits on what I considered possible. Instead of sitting comfortably in my new car, I decided to test drive a car that was light years ahead of my current vehicle.

Now, previously when I would surround myself with those who were operating a level beyond myself I would feel intimidated, scared and that what I truly wanted was “out of reach.” But after doing deep work, I conditioned myself not to avoid leveling up but to welcome it. And to embrace the terror of “wow that’s more money than most people spend on mortgages” to “how can I afford this?”

Now, this isn’t financial advice. Seek proper counsel. But, in theory, consider: What if you could have it all?

What if you didn’t have to fall back out of inspiration — if you could win or win bigger and could have all you wanted without sacrificing?

You can spend your time focusing on what you want to achieve or spend your time focusing on why you can’t get there. Either way, you’re right.

I used to always try to figure out the “behind the scenes” success of people, because it allowed me to either justify my own lack of movement or why their message doesn’t really apply to me. We have a tendency to find the things that make us different and use those things as excuses. Some people started with more resources. Some people have better education. Others have higher metabolism, or an easier time finding love. Yet all of these justifications are from the lower self that we must strive to overcome.

Your greatest opportunity is to be real with yourself. Focus mostly on where you want to go and then where you have to start. Write your personal story as a hero’s journey instead of a fool’s excuse.

Three points from my Jewish studies to conclude this series on personal growth.

A wise rabbi said that G-d is exposing us to everything for a reason. Everything that happens to us, or to others that we hear about, is a message to us. Try to hear what is being revealed to you. Ask to

understand what He’s telling you. Pray to become what He wants from you because it’s much bigger and harder to achieve than you can ever imagine.

Secondly, G-d desires a broken heart. The person too full of themselves to consider changing or admitting they messed up is the furthest away from any level of growth. Being broken and needy is a very high level. I recall from the phenomenal historical recounting of the 101st Airborne’s encirclement in the Battle of the Bulge the response given when the soldiers recognized they were vastly outnumbered, undersupplied and overrun by the enemy. “They got us surrounded...poor bastards.” The level of excellence we find within ourselves at our lowest is stunning.

Finally, we need to really know that G-d loves us. More than our best friends and our parents, we are loved. Call Him what you want, deny His existence, know you are loved. And valuable. And important. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here. And if G-d or a mortal sees that you are necessary or valuable or important, you are. You just need to internalize it.

Homework for this week: None. Be. Recognize that you’re already on your way. A

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Making critically important family decisions in the aftermath of emotional life changes can be extremely difficult. Our dedicated family law attorneys can help you navigate the complex divorce process with clarity.

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“Entertainingly captures the true meaning of being an American. Delightful and thoroughly engaging.”

— ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH

SAN DIEGO PREMIERE

OCT 19 NOV 13

That time-honored adage, “The Show Must Go On,” takes on new meaning in this endearing and moving comedy set at a small American playhouse in 1942. With the actors and director off at war, a group of passionate women face the daunting challenge of preserving the theatre’s reputation for mounting outstanding Shakespearean productions. Crammed with laughs and an abundance of visual humor, their fierce determination and unbridled enthusiasm will have audiences cheering as they prove that art and community triumph, even in times of peril.

northcoastrep.org 858-481-1055 group sales: 858-481-2155, x202

“You’re going to be a Mensch, Okay?”

As the Artistic Director of San Diego International Film Festival, Tonya Mantooth does more than just curate the films featured, she starts community-wide conversations.

“Because we all had the downtime if you will, it gave everybody a chance to reflect... I had that time to start to say ‘Where do I want this to go?’ ‘How can we really evolve to making a bigger difference, having a bigger voice and building a bigger presence?’...Coming out of Covid there is momentum to do it differently to be able to carve a new path for ourselves,” Tonya said.

“And yes I think that is reflected in many of the initiatives; one working with California Women’s Museum and that partnership, [two] the human trafficking and putting those partnerships in place,” she added.

Earlier this year Felicia Shaw, the executive director of the Women’s Museum of California, and Tonya started talking about joining forces.

They’ve had their own stand alone women’s film festival for a couple years and prioritizing women filmmakers and hosting women’s panels was already a feature of the larger San Diego Film Festival, so their discussions turned to how to fold in the women’s festival into the wider one.

“We really thought together we would have a louder voice and really amplify the story of why it’s important to highlight and celebrate female filmmakers and to really acknowledge the fact that while it’s been an incredible time now for filmmakers really getting their exposure in a way they haven’t in the past, there is still a long way to go.

And we felt like together we could really champion that message. There are 10 films that we’ve designated as part of the female film series and those will play over the three days during the festival,” Tonya said.

Another topic that the Film Fest is making an impact with is sex and human trafficking.

...they really told the story of a family in all of its beautifulness and kind of broken pieces. It’s very real. It’s very rare.

“One of the things we really wanted to highlight this year is the issue of sex and human trafficking and I’ve always programmed films on this topic — which is a really tough topic to take on. This year, I’ve now partnered with an organization called AuthenticID, which is the number one cybertraking company which tracks sexual predators, and a nonprofit called All 4 Humanity, which is about irradicating human and sex trafficking. And so together we feel like we have a louder voice, we have

a stronger voice and it’s about taking the programming of these social issues but now moving to a platform where we are working to make a difference with these films,” she said.

Armageddon Time

“I absolutely feel the weight of the opening night film and the message that it sends...What I try to do is find a film that has enough layers where I feel it will touch everybody in the audience differently,” Tonya said.

Tonya had been following “Armageddon Time” for quite some time before it premiered on the market festival circuit or had been reviewed.

“Armageddon Time” is the rare Jewish period film set in the 1980s. It features different generations of the same family as they try to make it in America and adapt to the changing landscape.

“What I thought the film did so well was they really told the story of a family in all of its beautifulness and kind of

broken pieces. It’s very real. It’s very rare. It feels like you really kind of peel back the layers of the family which is something we all have,” she said.

“And the fact that it was in the 80s was interesting because it follows Reagan being president and the Jewish family feeling very concerned about that. They didn’t feel like that was good for them. And so from a political standpoint that was an interesting connection back what was the thinking, what was the mindset in the Jewish community in the 80s when Reagan became president and coming out of antisemitism and what was the worry, what was the fear,” she said.

Anthony Hopkins, who plays the grandfather, explains to his grandson what his parents faced during the Holocaust, “while this young boy is in middle school his best friend is African American and he starts to see the social inequity of what his life will be like versus what his friend’s life will be like.”

“I thought James Gray the director really did an incredible job because he

doesn’t take a hammer to the messages, he lets them unfold so that you walk away and you think about that film,” she said.

Tonya also remarked that the film was beautifully cast with a great chemistry between the actors in the family.

“I think everyone will walk away with a little something different. The way the film ends it doesn’t put a big period at the end of the sentence. It’s a moment in time and you get to step into that moment of time and then you step out. It is not that everything is all wrapped up and because of that it gives you a chance to reflect. I appreciate films that do that because when it is all put in a nice little box and someone puts a bow on it, it’s really easy to walk away and not even think about that film. The film stays with you.” A

Night of the Stars Tribute and Culinary Cinema are also back on for the festival this year. For the full lineup, go to sdfilmfest.com.

witness

story with thousands of children each year at the Museum of Tolerance.”

- Gloria Ungar, Holocaust survivor

Support Israeli Small Business

This is a selection of some Israeli small businesses from JNF’s Mitzvah Marketplace. All sales support each individual business directly.

Edna Piorko Clay sculpture

This Israeli artist brings whimsy and color to clay sculpture.

TinTime Studio

Tin cans get a new aesthetic new life.

Browse unique 3D glass paintings.

Oroca Jewelry

Statement rings, gold-filled earrings and bracelets dot the studio of this handmade shop.

Kandu Wood Musical Instruments

Play with handmade cajons, wearable snares and shakers.

Aliyah – The Cookbook

Discover recipes from Israel’s immigrants and stories from their journeys.

Community Members Commit to Jewish San Diego for Today, Tomorrow, and the Future

Over 250 individuals and families have their personal legacy statements now archived in the community resource, The Book of Life. Recently more than a hundred individuals and families gathered at Congregation Beth Am to attend the community-wide signing ceremony. Over 50 new personal statements were shared and inscribed in the Book of Life.

The Book of Life is the pinnacle of the Create a Jewish Legacy program, presented by the Jewish Community Foundation San Diego (JCF). Anyone can submit a personal statement for the Book of Life once they have committed to include a Jewish organization in their charitable estate plans, or who have made a meaningful contribution to a current endowment fund benefiting a Jewish organization.

The Book of Life symbolizes promises from one generation to the next–promises that ensure the longterm strength and vibrancy of our Jewish community. The Book itself is a treasured community archive and housed at the Jewish Community Foundation. Additionally, JCF’s newly redesigned website proudly hosts the virtual Book of Life, an engaging collection of meaningful Book of Life statements with their accompanying family portraits. They may be viewed at jcfsandiego.org/BOL.

“Witnessing so many proud Jewish supporters gather to celebrate their enduring commitment to their

Jewish community was profound,” said Sharleen Wollach, Chief Impact Officer of JCF. “This was one of the first occasions when many participants had come together in over two years, which added extra enjoyment to the occasion.”

Speakers at the event included Michelle-Shari Kruss and DanielleLynn Ambrose, daughters of Joel and Arlene Moskowitz (z’’l), who spoke about the responsibility of philanthropy from one generation to the next. Their parents Joel and Arlene Moskowitz are being remembered by the establishment of the Moskowitz Legacy Resource Center, a dedicated community space in the JCF offices. Also in attendance was Marshall Littman, widower of Gail Littman (z’’l) who helped found the Create a Jewish Legacy program during her tenure at JCF and Jane Scher (and Colin) founding Committee Chair, for the program and former JCF board chair.

Recent submissions include one from Randy Clark and Tom Maddox who shared their personal statement, “We have included the Jewish community in our legacy plan because of a close relationship with a Jewish family that we were honored to be adopted into. As a gay couple without family support, our Jewish family has always been there for us.”

Since the first Book of Life Ceremony in 2001, almost 1,400 community members and families have participated in the Create a Jewish Legacy program, resulting in over $80M already being received by the Jewish Community, with multiples of that anticipated in the coming decades.

If you are interested in submitting a statement to the Book of Life or for more information, please contact Sharleen Wollach by email at sharleen@jcfsandiego.org or at (858) 279-2740.

Local Offerings

All events are now in-person unless specified otherwise.

Cygnet Theatre

Visit cygnettheatre.com for more information.

THRU OCT. 2: Cabaret

A remounting of one of Cygnet’s best-selling musicals: “Cabaret.”

La Jolla Playhouse

Visit lajollaplayhouse.org for more information.

THRU OCT. 16: Kristina Wong, Sweatshop Overlord

This solo show tells the true story of pandemic-era entrepreneurship.

The Old Globe

Visit theoldglobe.org for more information.

THRU OCT. 16: Come Fall in Love – The DDLJ Musical

The stage adaptation of the beloved Bollywood film features all new songs and exuberant staging.

THRU OCT. 23: What We Talk About When We Talk About Anne Frank

This world premiere play focuses on modern friendships of Jewish couples.

North Coast Repertory Theatre

Visit northcoastrep.org for more information.

THRU OCT. 2: Annabella in July

A world-premiere comedic fantasy looks at a ski resort in the off season.

OCT. 19-NOV. 13: Into the Breeches! An endearing comedy set in a playhouse in 1942.

Coronado Playhouse

All content is on coronadoplayhouse.org

OCT. 14-16: A Diamond Cabaret: Celebrating 75 Years

This one weekend run will feature solos, duets and group numbers sung by 24 performers.

San Diego Symphony

Visit theshell.org for more information.

While the symphony’s Jacobs Hall undergoes renovation, the Shell has a full slate of concerts.

OCT. 2: Payare Leads Verdi’s Requiem

OCT. 5: Beethoven 5

OCT. 19: Made In America: Barber, Liang & Stravinsky

OCT. 30: Día de los Muertos Celebration

Spooky Shakespeare at SDMA.

San Diego Museum of Art

Visit sdmart.org for more information.

OCT. 15, 10 A.M.: Margin Notes in the Album Of Spring: Botany in Mughal and Later Painting

17th and 18th century paintings in the Indian Subcontinent showcase the evolving botany of the time.

OCT. 29, 1:30 P.M.: Spooky SDMA+ San Diego Shakespeare Society

Actors perform spooky selections from some of Shakespeare’s works.

Nat.

San Diego Natural History Museum

All content is on sdnhm.org.

SATURDAYS.: California’s Natural Beauty

Learn about native California plant and animal diversity.

ONGOING: Kid Free San Diego Kids (12 and under) visit free all month long.

OCT. 11, 10 A.M.: National Fossil Day

Celebrate the holiday with the Nat’s paleontologists.

AM ISRAEL MORTUARY

We Are San Diego’s ONLY All-Jewish Mortuary

Serving the community for over 40 years.

✡ Proudly Serving Jewish Families For Over 40 Years.

✡ Family Owned and Operated for Three Generations.

✡ Serving all Jewish Families, Orthodox, Conservative, Reform.

✡ Affiliated or Unaffiliated with a Synagogue.

✡ We can assist with At-need or Pre-need funeral planning. Purchasing cemetery plots or burial arrangements anywhere.

✡ We are here to help, call or email with any questions.

(619)583-8850

6316 El Cajon Blvd., San Diego

For a list of currents services and additional info: www.amisraelmortuary.com CA, Lic. #FD-1320

Members of the JFDA- Jewish funeral directors of America, KAVOD - (Independent/Family owned Jewish funeral directors) Consumer Affairs Funeral and Cemetery division

Annette Kaplan - San Diego

Elsa Margolis - San Diego

Kasey Altman - San Diego

Bernard Fettner - Rancho Santa Fe

Maxine Edelman - La Jolla

Betty Setzer - San Diego

Diana Rabinovich - San Diego

Hanna Marx - San Diego

Mae Katzman - El Cajon

Bryna Kranzler - San Diego

Frank Goldberg - Rancho Santa Fe

Mordchai Barzvi - San Diego

Maria Fosman - Vista

Esther Janowsky - La Jolla

Lilia Hecht - Bonita

Delores Becker - Carlsbad

Dzhura Borukhov - San Diego

Bouslana Krotman - La Mesa

Elliot Recht - San Diego

Edward Nawy - San Diego

Zev Bar-Lev - San Diego

Mariya Chumakova - San Diego

David Camberg - National City

Jonathan Stern - El Cajon

May their memory be a blessing.

AM ISRAEL MORTUARY

We Are San Diego’s ONLY All-Jewish Mortuary Serving the community for over 40 years.

On behalf of AM Israel Mortuary, We extend our condolences to the families of all those who have recently passed. The families of those listed above would like to inform the community of their passing.

Members of the JFDA- Jewish funeral directors of America, KAVOD - (Independent/ Family owned Jewish funeral directors) Consumer Affairs Funeral and Cemetery division

(619)583-8850

6316 El Cajon Blvd., San Diego

For a list of currents services and additional info: www.amisraelmortuary.com

CA, Lic. #FD-1320

29 California Schools, 2 in San Diego County Named 2022 National Blue Ribbon Schools

U.S. Secretary of Education Miguel Cardona recognized 297 schools as National Blue Ribbon Schools for 2022. 29 of those are in California and Westview High School and Helix High School in San Diego County were among those. Schools are recognized as either exemplary high-performing schools or exemplary achievement gap schools.

City’s Homeless Department Expands Shelter Capacity

Since the development of the Homelessness Strategies and Solutions Department (HSSD) in 2021 overseen by Mayor Todd Gloria, the City of San Diego has expanded street outreach and increased shelter capacity by 28%.

HSSD Director Hafsa Kaka and her team gave an update to City Council and a five-year funding forecast.

Cantor Rebecca Joy Fletcher Joins Coastal Roots Farm as Director of Jewish Life

Coastal Roots Farm announced that Cantor Rebecca Joy Fletcher has joined the Farm team as its first Director of Jewish Life. Fletcher is an ordained cantor, Jewish educator, climate activist and coach. She was ordained through Hebrew Union College.

In her role as Coastal Roots Farm’s Director of Jewish Life, she will oversee the Farm’s Jewish Life initiative by integrating Jewish wisdom, tradition and values into community programs and communications. She will fortify partnerships to Jewish and interfaith communities and provide thought leadership in the larger Jewish community farming and earth-based Judaism fields.

“We are so pleased to welcome Rebecca Joy Fletcher to Coastal Roots Farm,” said President and CEO Javier Guerrero. “Her passion and expertise in Jewish learning, climate, and food justice will significantly develop the Farm’s Jewish Life initiative and impact in the community.”

“I am delighted to join the visionary, powerful, smart, and joyful staff of Coastal Roots Farm,” Fletcher said. “In this job, I have the rare opportunity to unite my core values and commitments — to vital Jewish life, a healthier planet, food equity, creativity and play and compassionate community. My cup of blessings overflows.”

“Our Homelessness Strategies and Solutions Department is working every day, alongside county-wide agencies and partners, to build a more robust system that addresses homelessness in San Diego,” Mayor Todd Gloria said. “What ends homelessness one person at a time is outreach, shelter and housing, and we have made significant strides in all of these areas over the past year and will continue to do much more in the years to come.”

Bronfman Fellowship Applications Open

The Bronfman Fellowship has announced that applications are now being accepted for the 37th cohort. 26 teenagers between their junior and senior year of high school take on a year of programming, travel, seminar and global social impact. The fellowship is pluralistic and for Jews of all backgrounds.

Applications for the 2023 fellowship are due Dec. 5 and are online at bronfman.org.

Harissa Roasted Carrots with Labneh

This Sukkot, serve up a simple appetizer using seasonal carrots! Sweet carrots are roasted with spicy harissa seasoning and served atop a rich and creamy labneh. If you’ve never tried labneh, it is a type of soft cheese made by straining yogurt, removing the whey. It’s the easiest addition to your appetizer menu and it is the perfect vehicle for roasted vegetables, pesto, preserved lemon paste, or even a swirl of date syrup.

SERVES 4

TOTAL TIME: 30 minutes

INGREDIENTS:

• 6 medium carrots, peeled and chopped

• 2 tbsp. harissa seasoning (I love NY Shuk brand!)

• 1 tbsp. olive oil

• ½ cup labneh

• ¼ cup chopped pistachios

• ¼ cup mint leaves, fresh

• ½ cup sunflower shoots, or arugula

• Juice of 1 lemon

• Sea salt and pepper, to taste

PREPARATION:

1. Preheat the oven to 400F.

2. Combine the carrots, harissa seasoning, olive oil, salt and pepper on a baking tray.

3. Roast for 15-20 minutes, or until tender.

4. Spread the labneh in a bowl. Top with the carrots, pistachios, mint leaves and sunflower shoots/arugula.

5. Squeeze lemon juice overtop and drizzle with additional olive oil, if desired.

6. Enjoy!

Adeline Glovsky Hale

May 28, 1935 – August 31, 2022

Adeline Glovsky Hale was born into an Orthodox Jewish family in Portland, Maine. The family emigrated from the Ukraine. Addy, or Channah to her Jewish friends, grew up in a close-knit family where Yiddish was the spoken language. Channah first learned English when attending kindergarten.

Channah was a life-long student having attended Deering High School and Boston University. She put her education to good use when she, and her late husband of 55 years, Arthur, established and ran IBIS Inc., which published newsletters reporting on the successes and failures of medical companies around the world. Addy was the editor of IBIS’s “The Medical and Healthcare Marketplace Guide,” a compendium of more than 6,000 medical companies; the first directory featuring descriptions of every company. Together Addy and Arthur built up their company and became generous donors to several worthy causes including Scripps Hospitals, where they dedicated a medical library room, and a unique Nurse’s scholarship program.

Channah and Arthur lived in several locations around the country including Maine, Massachusetts, Florida, Illinois, and various cities in California, finally settling in Encinitas. They also travelled extensively working on their business. Along the way they had Jeffery, who predeceased Channah, and Mitchell.

Jeffery had a son Taylor, who currently lives in Florida, and Mitchell had Jaymi, who lives in Texas, and who was adored by her grandmother.

Following Arthur’s passing, Channah eventually became engaged to Arnold Tubis. The love and companionship they shared brightened Channah’s final years, as they engaged in adventures together as well as sharing their studies.

Wherever Channah’s travels took her, she became deeply involved in the local Jewish community, giving generously of her time as a volunteer and taking numerous classes for her passion for learning. She found her spiritual home in Chabad at La Costa, in Carlsbad, California, where Channah was an integral part of the community. Channah dedicated the stained glass windows and the Eternal Light, which adorn the sanctuary.

As one of the regular members of the Kiddush Committee, Channah would usually spend Fridays in the synagogue kitchen helping prepare her special egg salad, which became renowned among the congregants. In between chopping eggs, Channah would enter the Rabbi’s office and engage in spirited debate about the meaning of this or that passage in the weekly Torah portion.

Channah’s legacy is one of love and devotion to many beautiful causes and her strong identity as a Jewish woman — a true Woman of Valor.

DIVERSIONS

Jesse Eisenberg’s next film follows 2 cousins who explore their grandmother’s Holocaust story

Jesse Eisenberg’s newest film directing project follows two estranged cousins who travel to Poland and learn about their grandmother’s Holocaust story.

“A Real Pain,” which will star Eisenberg and Kieran Culkin, will begin shooting in Warsaw in March.

After their grandmother dies, Eisenberg and Culkin’s characters try to learn about her past and their journey — which involves joining a Holocaust-themed tour.

“I’m trying to ask the question is modern pain valid against the backdrop of real historical trauma,” Eisenberg, who traces his Jewish family roots back to Poland and Ukraine, told Screen. “I think I’m speaking to the experience of people [in their 30s] who go back and it’s foreign to them — and now suddenly real.”

In Eisenberg’s 2013 play “The Revisionist,” which he wrote and starred in off-Broadway, Eisenberg played a science fiction writer who travels to Poland to find a quiet place to finish editing a manuscript. He stays with a 75-year-old cousin who talks about the trauma she suffered both in the Holocaust and in under the Stalinist regime after the war.

The play was based on a real experience Eisenberg had meeting a relative in Poland, the New York Jewish Week reported at the time. The play’s artistic director told the Jewish Week that Eisenberg was interested in exploring how young people today are “curious about the Holocaust but not aware of its profundity.” A

Continue reading at sdjewishjournal.com

The Art of Dating A Mystery Guest

Cheers my dear San Diegans: When we think of dating, between online sites, Covid and “there’s no one decent out there” instead of bringing joy it brings a huge “Oy.” Can you survive the jungle? Today we look at strategies to make dating, well, manageable.

In Love With a Mystery Guest: Strategies That Work

Dear Marnie:

I met the “perfect” man online five years ago (I’m 31, he’s 35), but he has a fear of commitment. Over and over, he pulls the curtain on us just when things are going well. The last time he broke up with me then asked me back, we saw a therapist and things were better than ever. Then without warning, he ended it again. He is still in contact, tells me he loves me and offers to do things for me. What the heck is this about? What could he be so fearful of? Should I speak to him, wait, or what? Will he ever grow out of this?

—Sprinter in San Diego

MARNIE SAYS: A more important question, Sprinter, is will you grow out of this before you’re eligible for Medicare? First, I hate psychobabble like “commitment-phobe.” It gives the “phobe” a “condition” — like a fear of heights — that keeps the phobee (you) hooked on healing. So, I’ve coined a new phrase “Mystery Guests” who sign in and out of your life at will. This doesn’t

include those who adore being single and let you know the deal going in. The true “Mystery Guest” loves you, then leaves you wondering who was that masked character?

Getting it! Your Personal Strategies:

STRATEGY ONE: The SRT way (Strategic Relationship Thinking) requires we think correctly rather than hope we must identify what’s really going on, correctly, based on reality that comes from proof.

Correct Presumption: to Mystery Guests, getting close is a challenge, but staying close, makes them feel they’re inside a Zip-lock baggie. Some are perfection-seekers, scared they’ll miss those Jessica Biel or Jennifer Lawrence look-alikes out there. Others need a new love fix — every three months. Then there are the hunters who want to capture their quarry, not share an IRA with them.

“The Mystery Guest” M.O.: They idolize you, drink from your slipper and listen to a lot of Barry Manilow. It’s wine and win — until you start pooling your WaterPiks.

STRATEGY TWO: Is your man about to change? Ask yourself: How many women did he dance with before you? How many women has he danced with during you? Re-replay this cha cha. When you’re

distant, he steps forward, when you’re close, he backsteps. Describe each trigger and his reaction. If he’s left his partners strewn all over the dance floor, he’s probably not about to change his moves. Apart from the staggering pull of at your heartstring, ask yourself what has changed in five years of backing and forthing? Nothing.

STRATEGY THREE IF YOU’RE STILL DANCING: Do you fret, “I’ve invested too much already?” Or think, “If only he wasn’t a ‘phobe’ what a prize he’d be! Do you need to heal a heel? Are you secretly a Mystery Guest yourself who’d rather play victim? Find out what’s keeping you hooked and what it’s costing you? If it’s ripping your soul, take a hint from your screen name, Sprinter, and sprint away.

But you’ll probably ignore me, so... let’s get practical. If you are intent on one last dance: A–Back off, bigtime; B You drive. Go slow; C–Get headphones. Believe not a word he utters; D–Deeds are all that count.; E–Let his laundry rot, his food spoil; F–Change your locks; G–Date others anyway. Do it!

You need to take care of you. That means keeping your doors to him closed for major repairs and your options open. Oh, and get back with a counselor (a different one), solo. In the future, you want to make sure the “Mystery” is over before the man becomes a permanent “Guest” in your life. A